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The Bearded Lady

Do not attempt to deliver this salty and greasy yet heavenly decadent appetizer to anyone who to doesn’t appreciate the “diner things in life”. The Bearded Lady will grow hair where it wasn’t before and garner a different level of respect for your mad kitchen skillz.

Finally – if anyone accuses you of unhealthy cooking behavior, remind them this dish is meatless – but not quite vegetarian because of the cheese – but who’s splitting hairs?

What You Need

  • 1 Dogtown Veggie Pizza
  • 1 can or 1 cup of fried onions
  • 1 pouch of boxed Mac-n-Cheese orange cheese dust (I don’t know what else to call that)
  • Ranch Dressing

The Prep

There is not much to the Bearded Lady pizza: prior to baking, sprinkle a layer of fried onions all over a the veggie pizza, then top with the “cheese dust.” Follow the directions on the pizza label to bake normally.

Optional Prep >> Make your own fried onions! Thinly slice a large yellow onion and fry it up in a quarter cup of heart healthy olive oil until medium-to-dark brown. These tend to be soft and limp, but they are deliciously, sweetly caramelized and add real dimension to the dish. If you prefer crisp onions – stick with the store-bought can.

Allow to properly rest before cutting. Serve with a side of ranch.


  • Make sure your health insurance and life premiums are all paid up. Family first!
  • Don’t ask or answer ANY questions along the lines of “…why use Cheese Dust?” There is no good answer. Just bring up the nation’s debt crisis and blame someone you heard in the news that week. Then hide.
  • Hydrate! You will feel swollen in the morning – and it’s probably not from a work-out.

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